Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
