You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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