Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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