i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
