I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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