I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
