Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
