so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
