On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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