my phone needs a breathalizer
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
