in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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