but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
