Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
