i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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