I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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