You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
