Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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