so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
jump out the window naked night went bad
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