Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize