I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
