Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
