pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
