I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
