Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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