A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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