hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
