i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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