Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
