I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
