i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
