ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
