I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
