I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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