the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm passing your future prison.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
