I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I looked at my own cervix.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
