I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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