new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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