I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
