I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
