just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
