If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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