I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
