There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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