the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
