Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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