Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
