You really coming over, don't trick.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
