Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
