Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
