If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
