I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
