I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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