I can text with my tongue
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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