His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I cannot find my penis.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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