How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
