Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
