I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
