Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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