last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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