I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
