i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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