i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
